Leaving Brazil

It's three weeks since we boarded our first flight back to Canada.  The connections were tight (less than two hours), flights were delayed and we literally had to run between flights (with luggage) to make sure we got back.  I was anxious to be home, to see my Dad, I really didn't want to be delayed.

Pushing much lighter luggage than when we left, 'team Snell' made it to Toronto in 22 hours.  We were exhausted physically and emotionally, the weeks before we left were wrought with tension waiting as tests were done to find out about my Dad's health.

Saying to good-bye to those we had just begun to know and love in Brazil was harder than I thought.  Funny how leaving a place makes you look at your relationships a little more closely.  As much as Brazil isn't 'home' yet for me, I realized as I was packing and hugging and wiping tears (both mine and of others) that roots were beginning to go deep.

Lorrane and Faith 

                                                             

One of our first friends, a twelve year old girl named 'Lorrane' (pronounced Lohanee) came into our house a few days before we left, saying she just found out we were leaving.  She flung her arms around my waist and squeezed hard as tears streamed down her face "I will miss you guys so much, you're so nice and I love you!" It was overwhelming to see her obvious grief at the thought of our absence there and it brought me to tears (not hard these days).

Emily

Another moment before we left that meant so much was during our last church service.  They had a time during worship when everyone goes around to say hello to each other.  When we first arrived, I saw a little girl who was so adorable, my smiles to her were met with suspicion and often a scowl.  There was an obvious distrust of adults.  Over the months that we've been there, she has slowly warmed to me, and especially to Phil whom she has wrapped around her little finger.  During this particular worship song I was making my way around the church and then spotted her.  I bent down and opened my arms for a hug and she jumped into them wrapping her little arms around my neck as I spun her around.  I put her back down and she opened her little hand, offering me a gum ball.  I don't think she realized how much that little gum ball meant to me, I had cracked through her tough exterior. 

Since we've returned it has been an overwhelming sense of love and God's presence and provision.  We have a complete peace about having pressed the 'pause' button on our work in Brazil and there has been nothing but confirmation since we arrived that we are exactly where God wants us right now.  I'm so filled with opposing emotions most days.  Joy, gratitude, grief and pain. It's truly an odd place to be in.  We are trying to live moment by moment day by day, praying for God's grace in all of it.

Mountains and Valleys

Writing has not been coming easy to me these days, hence the four
week hiatus since I've posted.  I've tried to write and have three other posts sitting in 'drafts'.  If this were the age of paper and typewriters, I'd be banging away on the keys, under the glow of an overhead light surrounded by crumpled balls of paper.

Instead the curser blinks, words spill out and then get erased.

The trouble is, a lot of my writing is poured out through my heart, and right now my heart is a bit of a tattered mess so, when I can bring myself to the keyboard and try to get to a place where I can connect with all that's going on, my mashed up heart seems to be scrambling the words.

So please, bare with me.

We are back in Canada and it's almost like we never left.  If it weren't for the pictures and the messages from friends in Brazil asking, 'when will you come back, we miss you',  I would be inclined to think I had just dreamt the craziest dream.

My Dad was in the hospital when I came back and that first reunion (see video below) was so good and so hard.  We both were in tears, for so many reasons.

Taking Communion with my Dad

Not long after our return we made the decision, as a family, to have my Dad transferred to my brother's house where we would all (I have 6 siblings and in-laws) work to take care of Dad along with the help of nurses and personal support workers.  It was a big decision, especially for my brother and his wife who have transformed their living room into my Dad's room. But it was also what we all wanted, to have him in a home environment where we can come and go and spend time with him.

I have such conflicting 'mountains and valleys' feelings these days.  We are overwhelmed with gratitude for all of those who have rushed to help us, to put clothes together for our kids, to
offer us a place to stay, to feed us etc., that my brother is providing us with the trailer so that we have our own space for the time that we are here, for the Doctor who took the time to get to know my Dad today, and for the fact that I recorded her conversation with my Dad, for the way God is just pouring his mercy and his grace over us every day.

Our home while we're in Canada!

The valleys are the days like today.  My Dad had a fever and was just not himself.  I sat and watched him sleep, and mumble in his fevered delirium and fought the tears, a battle I lose every time.  Watching him slowly slip away, unable to use the limbs which were once so strong his hugs took my breath away is heartbreaking and today I let the waves of grief wash over me as we drove away.

I walked this road before, a much younger woman of eighteen, with my mother.  The difference between then and now is night and day.  Although the heartbreak and sadness are still there, the hopelessness is not.  I have a hope that is eternal.  I have a saviour who strengthens me, and who carries me on the days I can't carry myself. Today was one of those days.

As for the question of how long we are going to be here, God has the answer to that.  I know He's all over this.  So, for now we take things day by day, minute by minute.  A crash course in living in the now.

We do appreciate all of your prayers and love and support, thank you.

Video: Reunion With Dad

Deep Wounds, Deepening Faith

I've started writing this blog about 4 times.  But it takes me to a place I don't want to go and so when it starts getting hard I close the computer and walk away.  Here I go again.

Ok, it's the next day, I'm back.

In four, make that three, days we will make the trip back to Canada.  This past week we received the news we dreaded to hear.  The cancer is terminal, stage 4.

Despite the fact that I think in my belly I've known this was coming for months now, the reality of reading those words hit me hard.

Palliative.  Comfort measures.  Not going home.

I cried.  I sobbed.

Lord, be like balm to my wounds, cover them with your sacred ointment, carry me when I can no longer walk, make a soft place for us to lie down.

One might be inclined to think during this time of heartache, and after the other three deaths we have experienced this year that I might be tempted to shake an angry fist at God, to distance myself from him for 'allowing' all of this suffering in my life.

The opposite, however, is happening.  My faith is deepening to new incredible depths.

Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted...Matthew 5:4

I think I feel God's presence in my life more now than I ever have.  I can almost feel the weight of his arm on my shoulder as He walks this path along side me, and on the days when I just can't walk, I feel him lift me up.

His provisions for us have been overwhelming.  'You need a car? Here's 3 to choose from! You need a place to live, here's 3 to choose from! Need clothes for your kids-here's a bunch'. His generosity knows no limits.

A time like this can do all kinds of crazy things to a family.  Especially one with 6 siblings 5 spouses and many children with opinions and feelings.  But what's happening in mine is like a purse string; the tension of the situation, the anguish we're all feeling is pulling on us but pulling us closer together.  Thank you Jesus for causing so many children to 'happen' to my parents, it definitely wasn't their plan, but it was yours and it was perfect.  I don't know what I would do without all of them to go through this with.


I've never had such conflicting feelings.  Those of grief and joy co-existing in my heart simultaneously.


Every felt and spiritual need is being met and more.  My cup runneth over.

I leave you with this song, written and performed by a very dear friend Kris MacQueen.  It about sums up how I'm feeling right now:

We Cannot Contain All You Pour Out

My Father, Our Father

It is said that most little girls look for the things in a man that remind her of her father.  The relationship we have with the first man in our lives is fundamental in how we will later relate to the opposite sex.  It is also formative to how we will relate to God.

God is often referred to as 'Father'.  The bible makes this reference many times.  Jesus calls him Father, Abba, which in those times was equivalent to calling God 'Daddy'.  A familiar, and intimate term.  Not at all the big bearded man on a high throne looking down on you.

I am blessed with a loving father, a father who, when I was young and scared in the night would enfold me with his strong arms and in an instant all of my fears would melt away.  I was safe.  I was with my Daddy, the 'boogie man' didn't dare come near.

He fought fires for a living, he wasn't just my hero he was a uniformed hero who drove a big red truck, saving houses and lives.  He created for me the image of a father who was loving, funny, forgiving, strong and kind.

And so, when I hear the phrase 'God the Father' I don't recoil thinking about someone who would sooner strike me down than look at me.  Someone who waits for me to make a mistake so they can pour out their wrath.

Instead, I think of a man who lights up when I return after a long absence, who doesn't want to let go when it's time for me to leave, who loves me unconditionally, who encourages me to be everything I was born to be, who believes in me.  This is the lens through which I see God.

So thank-you Dad, for being the kind of earthly father that made it easy for me to accept the love of the one in Heaven.

Me, My Dad, my sister and my oh so un-photogenic Mom :)

Practicing What I Preached-My Dad Has Cancer

Get a coffee, this is a bit of a long one but I hope, worth the read.

Sometimes when I write, it's simply a relaying of information, keep you in the loop as to the happenings here.

Sometimes it's because I get 'inspired', I feel something welling up in me and almost feel anxious until I have the time and the quiet (which is hard to come by!) to allow the words and feeling in my heart and head to spill out onto the page.  I believe that God does guide my words and my ideas,  and my hope is that some of these writings cause you to pause and think, or to be inspired and spoken to, even if just one of the 1,000 hits per month speaks to one of you in the place you needed to be touched, then my work is not for naught.

Sometimes, I think God inspires me to write because he is preparing my heart for something on the horizon.  This past week when I wrote 'Trusting the Father With My Father' I believe that's exactly what was happening.  God knew what was about to happen to my dear Dad and the news that was about to turn me upside down.

As I was at the back of our house with some of the kids who come to enjoy the daily play time here on the chacara, Phil said, 'Your sister is trying to facetime you'.

My heart immediately began to race and I felt a bit sick.  Lately, when someone is trying to get in touch with me outside of a time when we've agreed to chat, the news isn't good.

This time was no exception.

"Hi" I said, "What's up?"

"Where are you right now?" She asked, and my heart raced more wildly, my legs turned to jelly and I feared the news she was about to deliver.  I knew in my soul that it was about my Dad.  Almost like I had been expecting this call.

When I was finally sitting, her voice began to crack as she said the words I dreaded to hear.

"It's what we feared Jen.  Dad has cancer."

I am a 'feeler' I feel things deeply, for myself and for others.  Sometimes it's a gift, sometimes it sends me spinning.

For the next 30 minutes, my sister relayed what she knew.  My Dad had cancer of an unknown source, but they suspected greatly there was a tumour in his vertebrae pressing on his spinal cord and causing the pain, also weakening his bones causing them to break and to not heal properly.  There was no prognosis, not even a name for the type of cancer it was, just that big scary 'C' word.

We wept openly with each other as we shared our fears, the old feelings coming up from when our Mother was diagnosed, and prayed together.

When I got off the phone I fell apart again, the full reality of all that she'd said landing on my like the weight of an elephant, the possibility of what this could mean whirling through my mind and my heart.

Hey Jesus? Are you sleeping down there in the boat, because these waves? They are HUGE! And this wind? It's tossing the boat so hard I'm not sure I can keep it afloat!

Was it any coincidence that it was that particular scripture I used in my last writing?  I don't think so.  And now, I was being challenged to practice what I preached.  Tough stuff.

The next 24 hours was a whirlwind of online chatting with my large family ( I have 4 brothers and a sister-many nieces, nephews and in laws)  as information  was relayed from the hospital where my Dad had been taken to us in Ontario, New Brunswick and Brazil.  So thankful for technology!


After six months of my Dad being in agony and feeling like nothing was being done things were happening at lightening speed.


He was sent for another MRI and a bone surgeon was discussing surgery to strengthen his spine.  No radiation could be done on the cancer until the spine was in good shape.

They waited for an OR to be ready, surgery would be done THAT NIGHT!  Over the two and a half weeks preceding my Dad has lost feeling in his legs.  The cracked vertebrae and possibly the tumor were putting pressure on the spinal column.  Without surgery, chances of my Dad being permanently paralyzed were 100%.  The surgeon could not guarantee that his pain would be reduced by the surgery nor could he guarantee that feeling would return to his legs.  This was hard to hear.  Finally something was being done, but it might not mean the end of the pain.  I prayed hard that he was wrong.

Nine hours after arriving in the ER my Dad was wheeled into the OR so they could remove the damaged vertebrae and replace it with screws and bolts.  My Dad joked that he would need a new license plate, currently his says, '5 ft 10' "I'll be shorter when this is all done", he said.  I truly love that man.

I'm so thankful for the sense of humour my Dad has, and that he passed it on to us, his kids.

The last time we were all together October 2012
all grown up and we still can't get a good picture!

Five hours later he was taken from the OR and into the ICU, where he was kept sedated for some much deserved, pain free rest.


The not so good news:

• He has to have another surgery, they were unable to close the gap at the front of the spine as much as is needed. (He's not going to be happy to hear that)
• He will need lots of rehabilitation to get his body working again
• We wait for news about the cancer.  They still don't know it's origin but we pray that it was isolated to the tumour and treatment will be easy and short.

The good news:

• His legs have full feeling again!! 
• They were able to remove the whole tumour (they believe it's cancer but need the biopsy confirmed)
• As of today his pain level is down to a 2 out of 10.  For the past six months it's been about 18 out of 10.
• We now know what we are dealing with and can attack it with medicine and prayer!
• His sense of humour is intact! 

I feel like I'm asking for prayers all the time these days.  For someone who likes to help others it's hard for me to ask for help, repeatedly.  But, I know we can't do this, get through these issues without help.  Help from all of you and help from above.  I lived heartache and loss without God and honestly now, looking back I don't know how I did it.  He is my comforter, my big fuzzy blanket on a cold night, the one that I hold on too when the storms are raging, and lately it's felt like an ongoing hurricane.

I leave you with Psalm 23 in the good old King James version, it just sounds better.   It was my Mothers' favourite, and I find it brings me great comfort these days:

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
² He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
³ He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.

⁴ Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
⁶ Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell^[a] in the house of the Lord
Forever.

Trusting the Father with My Father

Before I could leave Canada I had to come to terms with the reality that anything could happen.  Having lost our friend Rob Hall in Zambia after a construction accident, the reality that life can be so short struck me with a painful jolt of reality.

Little did I know how true that would become.  Just two months before we left my brother, only 49, died suddenly of a heart attack.  Less than a month after leaving for Brazil my 26 year old nephew died within a week of being admitted to the hospital because of blood clots, also of heart related issues.  Two months after that one of my dearest friends also died suddenly at only 42.

My Dad, this past summer

Throughout all of this my Dad has been struggling with immense pain due to a cracked vertebrae and a condition called spinal stenosis. He has been in and out of hospital.  He went from being a strong, vital 77 year old man who looked more like 67 to being bed ridden.  He has been on many pain killers all which cause loss of appetite and so his hearty frame has begun to shrink.  It breaks my heart to see my 'Daddy' suffering.  I was and always will be a Daddy's girl.

My Dad, last week

The other, newer issue we've been faced with is the fact that the heart condition that took my nephews life is genetic.  There is a 50% chance of first degree relatives having it.  We now have to find the source, was it his Dad, my brother?  Or his mother?  All of my brothers have had an issue with their hearts over the last number of years, these are all being looked at in a different light.  We all have to be tested, see cardiologists, there is a chance that my kids, or I could have this same condition which is life threatening. Breathe.

I knew we were getting on a roller coaster when we said yes to this journey.  I knew it wouldn't be easy, that troubles would come.  But the knowledge of trouble and the reality of living in it are two very different things.  I will admit there are days and sometimes weeks when I want to get on a plane and be back in Canada, at my fathers' side, doing whatever it is I can to ease his pain or just to simply be with him.  The feeling of helplessness is sometimes so overwhelming it hurts.

What do I do with those feelings?  The pain the confusion the hurt and yes, sometimes the anger?  I fall on my bed in a heap of tears and pour it out to my heavenly Father.  I can't carry this weight myself, and I was never meant to.

Some might say, 'maybe you should go home, maybe this is a sign that it's time to leave, to put family first.'

The truth is that NONE OF THIS IS A SURPRISE TO GOD.  He knew all of these things would happen before we left Canada, and in fact we were even given a bit of a heads up during prayer one night.  We had asked some friends to pray with us about timing for us leaving for Brazil.  At that time we were hoping to come in November of 2011.  After praying, one of the people felt they were given a few words for us.  Two of them I didn't like, not even one bit.

'Later rather than sooner' (with regards to us leaving-we ended up leaving almost a full year later than planned)
'Doctors and hospitals' That one gave me a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I didn't like even sort of.  I wanted to tell him to take it back, to rebuke it.

Now, however, I get it.  It was a message to the future me to remind me that God knew what was going to happen in my family (that at the time was perfectly healthy).  That when things started to unravel I was to remember that God was completely aware of the things that were about to happen, and yet he was still sending us.

I'm not going to lie, I'm not going to sugar coat it with rainbows and white doves, sometimes this walking with God and trusting Him completely is just down right painfully difficult.  It's hard, it hurts and it seems to go against everything the world says, but then again he tells us to be 'in the world but not of the world'.

There is a story in the bible that many of you are probably familiar with.  The disciples are with Jesus in a boat and a huge storm begins to rage around them, winds hurl the boat, waves crash, and Jesus lies peacefully sleeping in the boat, not a care in the world.  The disciples completely lose their cool and shake him, waking him up and asking him why is he just lying there when it looks as though they are about to perish??

To this Jesus replies, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.

This means two things to me,  that when I get those urges to hop on a plane, I need to remember I'm in the boat with the one who can stop the wind and the waves, who has it all under control and that I need to remember to give him my fears, that he will in fact calm the waves.

My Dad has an appointment with a spine surgeon on April 11, please pray they are able to correct this issue with surgery.


We also can't do this without all of you out there reading this and praying for us, your prayers are felt and needed, keep em coming.  Thank you.

Surreal Moments-First Night of Alpha

Ten years ago my sister asked me if I was interested in taking a course called 'Alpha'.  I had heard of the course because she and her husband had both been through it, and they didn't come out the other side the same way they went in.

Quite honestly, at the time I found it scary.  What happened during this course that was so powerful it turned my 'spiritualism of the month club' brother in law into a bible reading, Jesus loving, cross wearing Christian? Did they brainwash you?

Sharing my story in Portuguese for the first time.

I was also at a point in my life that I was wondering if there was more to life than what I could see around me.  I had just finished living my life dream of working with primates in Africa but now I was back in Canada and wondering what the point was?  Where was my life going?

I decided to take the course.  Curiosity got the better of me.

To say it was life-changing would be an understatement.  My whole view of the world, of things beyond what I could see and touch changed.  I have since been involved in the Alpha course at my home church, Cambridge Vineyard for several years and I'm always amazed at the outcome.  I've seen people physically healed, brought to tears and making a complete 180 degree turn in their beliefs. Yes, some come and go with little difference, it's not a formula and no, it's not brainwashing, but if you go in with a willing and open heart to see and hear things from a different perspective I doubt you will come out unchanged.

"Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends." Rev 3:20

As I sat in the back of the church while our participants watched the translated Alpha videos, I had a flashback of my first night at Alpha.  Ten years later and thousands of miles from home I'm now introducing my new Brazilian friends to the the Alpha course in another language.  If someone had told me that on that first night this is how things would unfold I would never have believed them.

We are so excited to be able to start this here.  Our church is at a point where we are beginning to see more adults attending, people who are seeking and looking for God in their lives, their hearts are open, the timing is right.  We are hoping to train leaders in the this group for the next Alpha.

Who knows what God will do during this time, and what this will look like ten years from now, maybe there will be missionaries in the midst of this group, traveling to other places to bring the amazing news that there is a very real world beyond this one, where a God who loves us has a huge and exciting plan for our lives, we need only to open the door and let Him in.

For more information about the Alpha course you can go to www.alpha.org and find out where there is an Alpha course in your area.  If you live in the Cambridge area, The Cambridge Vineyard (www.cambridgevineyard.org) also runs the Alpha course twice a year, in the spring and fall.  You can contact them for start dates.

Ready to go!

Luke and Faith played waiter and waitress and served the food.