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Friday, April 12, 2013

Deep Wounds, Deepening Faith

I've started writing this blog about 4 times.  But it takes me to a place I don't want to go and so when it starts getting hard I close the computer and walk away.  Here I go again.

Ok, it's the next day, I'm back.

In four, make that three, days we will make the trip back to Canada.  This past week we received the news we dreaded to hear.  The cancer is terminal, stage 4.

Despite the fact that I think in my belly I've known this was coming for months now, the reality of reading those words hit me hard.

Palliative.  Comfort measures.  Not going home.

I cried.  I sobbed.

Lord, be like balm to my wounds, cover them with your sacred ointment, carry me when I can no longer walk, make a soft place for us to lie down.

One might be inclined to think during this time of heartache, and after the other three deaths we have experienced this year that I might be tempted to shake an angry fist at God, to distance myself from him for 'allowing' all of this suffering in my life.

The opposite, however, is happening.  My faith is deepening to new incredible depths.

Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted...Matthew 5:4

I think I feel God's presence in my life more now than I ever have.  I can almost feel the weight of his arm on my shoulder as He walks this path along side me, and on the days when I just can't walk, I feel him lift me up.

His provisions for us have been overwhelming.  'You need a car? Here's 3 to choose from! You need a place to live, here's 3 to choose from! Need clothes for your kids-here's a bunch'. His generosity knows no limits.

A time like this can do all kinds of crazy things to a family.  Especially one with 6 siblings 5 spouses and many children with opinions and feelings.  But what's happening in mine is like a purse string; the tension of the situation, the anguish we're all feeling is pulling on us but pulling us closer together.  Thank you Jesus for causing so many children to 'happen' to my parents, it definitely wasn't their plan, but it was yours and it was perfect.  I don't know what I would do without all of them to go through this with.

I've never had such conflicting feelings.  Those of grief and joy co-existing in my heart simultaneously.

Every felt and spiritual need is being met and more.  My cup runneth over.

I leave you with this song, written and performed by a very dear friend Kris MacQueen.  It about sums up how I'm feeling right now:


Shan and The Bricker Family said...

Jen (and Phil/Family). We are praying with you. We have just gone through a significant scare with Carolyn's Dad and were very anxious for a good amount of time wondering. God's peace really does pass all understanding. May there be a little comfort in knowing brothers and sisters are praying with and for you and your Dad.

Craig Frere said...

I can only imagine the pain and uncertainty that you are feeling. Know that my prayers and the prayers of the family at Living Water are with you also.