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Saturday, May 11, 2013

Mountains and Valleys

Writing has not been coming easy to me these days, hence the four
week hiatus since I've posted.  I've tried to write and have three other posts sitting in 'drafts'.  If this were the age of paper and typewriters, I'd be banging away on the keys, under the glow of an overhead light surrounded by crumpled balls of paper.

Instead the curser blinks, words spill out and then get erased.

The trouble is, a lot of my writing is poured out through my heart, and right now my heart is a bit of a tattered mess so, when I can bring myself to the keyboard and try to get to a place where I can connect with all that's going on, my mashed up heart seems to be scrambling the words.

So please, bare with me.

We are back in Canada and it's almost like we never left.  If it weren't for the pictures and the messages from friends in Brazil asking, 'when will you come back, we miss you',  I would be inclined to think I had just dreamt the craziest dream.

My Dad was in the hospital when I came back and that first reunion (see video below) was so good and so hard.  We both were in tears, for so many reasons.

Taking Communion with my Dad
Not long after our return we made the decision, as a family, to have my Dad transferred to my brother's house where we would all (I have 6 siblings and in-laws) work to take care of Dad along with the help of nurses and personal support workers.  It was a big decision, especially for my brother and his wife who have transformed their living room into my Dad's room. But it was also what we all wanted, to have him in a home environment where we can come and go and spend time with him.

I have such conflicting 'mountains and valleys' feelings these days.  We are overwhelmed with gratitude for all of those who have rushed to help us, to put clothes together for our kids, to
offer us a place to stay, to feed us etc., that my brother is providing us with the trailer so that we have our own space for the time that we are here, for the Doctor who took the time to get to know my Dad today, and for the fact that I recorded her conversation with my Dad, for the way God is just pouring his mercy and his grace over us every day.

Our home while we're in Canada!
The valleys are the days like today.  My Dad had a fever and was just not himself.  I sat and watched him sleep, and mumble in his fevered delirium and fought the tears, a battle I lose every time.  Watching him slowly slip away, unable to use the limbs which were once so strong his hugs took my breath away is heartbreaking and today I let the waves of grief wash over me as we drove away.

I walked this road before, a much younger woman of eighteen, with my mother.  The difference between then and now is night and day.  Although the heartbreak and sadness are still there, the hopelessness is not.  I have a hope that is eternal.  I have a saviour who strengthens me, and who carries me on the days I can't carry myself. Today was one of those days.

As for the question of how long we are going to be here, God has the answer to that.  I know He's all over this.  So, for now we take things day by day, minute by minute.  A crash course in living in the now.

We do appreciate all of your prayers and love and support, thank you.

Video: Reunion With Dad


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