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Tuesday, September 4, 2012

On the Cusp Great Change

After two years in Africa I realized I might never leave.  Well, actually I think I knew that after about two minutes.  I also realized I HAD to leave.  I was twenty six when I arrived, following and living my dreams.  But there was another dream that threatened to become impossible if I stayed.  I wanted a family.

I made the heart wrenching decision to end my time in Africa.  Little did I know the father of those children I wanted so badly was right under my nose.

36 Weeks 
Three years later when I was close to the due date of our first child there were a jumble of emotions churning inside of me along with a very active baby.  There was an awareness that when the moment finally came and the child I had longed for my whole life and waited for ten months for finally emerged, my marriage, my life, my body and myself would be forever changed.

I clutched my round belly and looked up to the heavens in prayer.  I was scared.  What if I wasn't a good mother?  What if I didn't have it in me?  What if I resented this little child for being the end of our globetrotting days?  And then I wept tears of guilt (oh how early the Mommy guilt begins!), and tears of grief, grieving the end of a life that was, and the end of Africa.  I prayed out loud to God, 'Forgive me for feeling this way, I trust you Lord, you know what is best for me." I surrendered everything I was feeling to God.

If only I had known.  Not that our traveling days were far from over, but about how much being a mother would fill me with a joy I didn't know existed.  That the minute I laid eyes on that wriggly, pink skinned, blue eyed boy that I would fall madly in love with another man and be forever changed,  that two years later when my husband mentioned us possibly becoming missionaries and living in another country, I couldn't imagine leaving.

Luke 1 day old
We are on the verge of another great metamorphosis in our lives, a transformation in our surroundings and I suspect over time, in my family and in each one of us.  I find I'm feeling a lot of those same emotions; excitement, fear, sadness, wondering if we have what it takes to succeed in this new calling on our lives.

There are a lot of unknowns, but the thing I do know, is that just as with parenthood although there will be challenges mixed with the joy, as long as our focus on the one who called us into this remains, He will give us the strength we need to endure and I hope to thrive.
Stay tuned.

Philipians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"

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